i still think about you.
and i cannot seem to be able to write about the pain you caused, and i cannot blame you for leaving.
i keep the door cracked in case you change your mind and want to come back.
and, my pen lies useless because i don’t want to use you as another story or sonnet or broken poem that people will applaud for honesty and beauty.
i wanted our love poems to be the beginning of something new for me. because my happiness was so overwhelming i could write you love poems and nothing else.
but here i am.
and all i can write on the college ruled paper was, i loved you, why did you leave like that?
my life is not right
nor will it ever be
but all i need is this song
and drives to see
sunsets brimming on the skyline
and my life may not be right
but this beat is
and i think if i have enough money
i might drive with it on repeat until
i reach a place that makes me feel
let me dance. let me sing. let me smile.
i barely do anymore.
i think we are window shopping because
i don’t have much to offer and
you might not want to remember this place
after we leave it
i bought you a snow-globe of us in the rain
you shake it to be transported when i’m not there
and every grasp of your hand
every text message at dusk when i’m supposed to be busy
is a way of saying,
i don’t want to be just a souvenir this time
it’s been a year
the summer sits uneasy in my stomach
we have never been friends
i cut my hair and look progress in the eyes
with my hands clutching the scissors
i sip chai tea and eat full meals
and draw flowers on my wrists where
scars lie dead in the snowy white flesh
it feels like a lifetime
fighting demons off in past timelines
i was full of untamed anger
and i didn’t know why yet
i took my aggression out on unsuspecting
pages of my diary
boys were unattainable creatures
who gawked in the distance
i picked out movies
my mother told me not to watch
i found myself dying
drowning in seas of emotions
the hands of fate
sweeping me away in an under toe
i can never escape
boys flirted and flirted back
i used language
my mother told me was unladylike
at eighteen i find myself still in the hands of fate.
and i clench my fists and write my poetry to control the anger.
have you ever seen the burning ashes of a home? once there’s a fire, the fire keeps burning, smoldering for days or weeks. the smoke sifts through the air, weaving in and out of the oxygen molecules. parents tell their children to stay away to keep them safe from smoke inhalation.
pain is somewhat like that.
i will be alright someday. she whispers that under the cloudy violet skies. her friends are dancing to the pop tracks and she’s desperately trying–she escapes to the bathroom–
finds her reflection and stares at her intently
she softly touches the glass wishing this was a dream.
reality is a cruel joke.
i look at you in the bookstore and you’re reading poetry connecting us to galaxies. we’re calling it research but we’re just dissolving in a chemical wash of emotions.
yesterday. we weren’t always this close and i never took the time to find out why.
today though. we walk together towards something we’re not sure of. we’ve changed but i love who we are.
and the girls who crumpled in a fire–of mental illness, abusive men, afraid of who we were, and wallflower tendencies–found each other.
nothing is more powerful than us walking down to graduate together. here, with healthy relationships, loving men, unashamed of our quirks, and conquering our wallflower personalities.
that’s a chemical equation even i know could burn you if you handle it wrong.
i smile at you in the bookstore and grasp your hand. i am holding onto this moment.
my stardust girl.
i didn’t think of you first
i told everyone that from the beginning
but no one listened, and now you are disappointed
the most important lessons i’ve learned so far in my eighteen years:
- you are your own person. things like boundaries are boring.
- life is too short to not pick wildflowers.
- or to smile at strangers in cars.
- if someone says you can’t; you might as well do it.
- love who you love, even if it ends badly…
- fight for what you love. but, also know when to peaceably protest for what you love.
- never tell people how to live their lives; only supply guidance. they’ll listen to you more.
- break the rules. don’t capitalize letters. don’t do things because it’s orthodox.
- maybe the things you want don’t want you back. that hurts like hell.
- rejection is unavoidable.
- if someone leaves; no one made them,
- and you are not responsible for that.
- friends are soul-mates. platonic love will you make you feel alive.
- cry tears of joy/pain, but always drive somewhere with music loud after you’re done.
- suicide is never the answer and should never be an option.
- get help. talk about mental illness. open up. open up. it will save you.
- and once you think you are done with the person you are; look in the mirror once more
- because who you are is beautiful
- you are changeable, melding, and you are always seeing the world in a hue of color someone doesn’t know about.