waterlogged.

salt water stains on my shirt
trickling down my cheeks
an angel with blonde hair
and a red dress
calmed me, rinsed
my face with cold water
now no one will know,
she said with a sad smile.

I live in yellow tiled floors
lemon, lavender scented
stalls with a seat for one
girls whisper their secrets here
in my kingdom of stifled sobs
sink water
fake smiles
(I imitate my blonde angel’s)

I watched a little girl cry
gloomily, I rinse her face
now no one will know
I whisper; she goes on
I was her caramel angel
but I wasn’t an angel
my halo was flushed away
my wings are saturated

sometime long ago
a blonde girl was trained
to hide her feelings
and I wonder why she cried
why I cry
why the little girls cries
and why we try to
wash it down the sink.

we weren’t angels,
so fallen, so waterlogged
we couldn’t even reassure
someone they were alright
because we weren’t alright
all along we were demons
who hid on yellow tiles floors
that smelled of bleach
(we should’ve licked it up)

girl.

the girl on the inside,

the girl in the reflection of the mirror

is bloody, bruised.

the girl here smiles, says,”I’m fine.”

the girl in the mirror cries until her tears

flood this room and drown her.

the girl here swallows the pain

and the girl in the mirror screams

but I keep throwing her punches

and keep thinking she can take it.

but lately the girl in mirror…

has been punching back,

and the scars are outwards.

she’s been screaming at me,

and my ears are ringing.

the water is spilling out of her room

into my eyes,

and I’m drowning in it.

 

 

 

 

Dear Someone XXXIII

Dear Someone,

People say when I was younger,  I was happy.

I cried over a lost stuffed animal, but then Mom would give me teddy bear, and I would be alright. I’d name him, play with him, and move on.

People say a lot of things. Now they say sad, depressed, queer.

She seems to cry all the time.

We’re giving her new friends to replace the old ones. But, she’s still upset that the old ones got lost. Why can’t she just play with what’s she’s given?

Because, deep down. I still think of that purple overall clad lamb, with the pink flower in her hair. I wonder if she found another kid, who loved her as much as I did. I remember taking her everywhere, and holding her close at night.

But–you can wish for something your entire life, and look in trash bins at supermarkets hoping the lamb comes back, and it won’t.

Love,

Liv

 

 

 

 

                         

 

 

 

Dear Someone III

Dear Someone,

we sit
the lights are dimming
the water is simmering,
under the heat of summer twilight
the stars are shining brightly tonight.
I hold tightly onto your wrist.

we cry
the sun draws us with stencils
with thick lines and dark pencils
as we run down the burning sidewalks
from our parents and their ever-long talks
our tears drip on the concrete, making a mysterious dye.

we cover
the pain with bandages and a pill
someone told us we were ill
sick in the head
pieces of unwinding thread
at least, we have each other.

we sing
forlorn tunes
about the beach and sand dunes
car rides and training wheels
California and the feels
in the back of my mind, your voice rings

we lie
about who we are truly are
I know your deepest scars
and I’ll never judge you
you know that to be true
so just wait, we’ll run away in a little while.

we plan
a life far, far away
I know you’ll stay
two girls, the world on their fingertips
the taste of freedom on their lips
they can’t catch us here, no woman or man.

I wrote this poem, for my best friend.

Love,

Liv

Dear Someone II

Dear Someone,

Have you ever had a question for someone, but they’re so out-of-reach you don’t know how to ask it? I do. I think the answer wouldn’t make me feel better, but the question is weighing my soul down.

It’s a simple, “Why did you say that?”

In my mind, I’m screaming it, or approaching them in a crowd and they don’t know how to respond.

“Why did you lie?”

“Why did you assume?”

“Why did you gossip?”

“Why did you–when I was your friend?”

The “WHYS” are killing me. The betrayal, because you thought something was pure and beautiful, and you could remember it that way. Yet–after learning of the rumors, it’s tainted and it makes you crazily bitter.

I never thought I’d be a bitter person. After forgiving and forgiving people, and they just keep burning you, you get tired of forgiving.

I finally understand the characters I made fun of when I was little. I finally understand the Disney villains, and the ‘insane’ friends.

And trust me, I never wanted to.

Love,

Liv

who?

I saw the sun set                                                      
will it ever rise again?                                                 
the blackness is a plague                                           
it takes victims                                               
I wonder when it will grab me…

sometimes the phone rings                                           
I let it ring and ring and ring                                      
afraid someone might hold me responsible                            
on the other line                                          
someone might confront my problems

the boy said he loved me                                           
and I sat in a state of panic                                    
he said he was leaving                                            
and I was in state of confusion                                        
my emotions are muddled

I wake up confident                                                   
who I see is a masterpiece                                         
at the end of the day                                           
art is propaganda                                                   
slash her to pieces

how did this happen?                                                 
my reflection                        
is seen through dirty puddles                                      
no one appreciates how much heart                                
I’ve given each of them

what’s left for me?                                                
I wonder at times                                                  
is it selfish? Is it?                                              
to wonder if you are worn too thin?                                 
if these chalky bones have been ground into dust?

is it alright?                                                 
that I cry in the shower                                          
so no one can see                                                 
is it alright?                                                    
that when left alone                                                
my mind turns against me.

is it healthy?                                                   
that happy people                                                
drive me insane                                                     
is it healthy?                                                        
that my trust issues                                           
influence my decisions?

who knows                                                            
who cares                                                           
who breathes                                                        
who lives                                                       
who dies                                                              
just me I guess.