Dear Someone–no wait–Dear Boy,
We bonded on the music. I showed you the Neighbourhood, Halsey, and The 1975 (you still listen to them on repeat, I know it…). Then the girls and guys who had dumped us. Then the want to flee our problems. Then…then…then…I was in love.
You said you needed me to stay alive. You said I needed you to stay alive.
But–as a friends. Nothing more.
Then you said you said I was beautiful. Then you said let’s run away together. Then you said let’s move in together. Then you said I can ‘manhandle’ you. Then…then…then…and before I knew it I had agreed to all of it, because I thought you needed me and I needed you.
You knew it. I was looking for someone to replace the love I had felt all last year, and he had moved on. You played it, said he was a douchebag and I was worth more. Worth you?
You fueled my hatred of him, and when I realized I didn’t hate him at all; that I wanted to be friends…you got mad at me. Why? Were you afraid of him? That he was better? Because he was.
He made me feel worth something, and when you tried…it made me feel more empty inside and that I needed you more. More…more…more…until you were my drug.
You told me I didn’t need the therapy. We could work it out together. You fed me that lie, and I wanted to believe it. I DO believe it.
Out of all the insults I could give you, I know the worst to you would be…you’re still just a boy. You say you’re better, but you’re just lying to yourself now. You say you love someone, but you don’t know what love is. You lie like a little kid who wants to avoid all the problems but get all the benefits.
And out of all your lies, I think I believe all of them still. If you showed up at my door, I’d run away with you. I have to shove my words back when I see you. I try not to look at you, because I know I’m vulnerable and you know how to hunt prey.
I hate you. I love you. I don’t need you. I need you. Isn’t it the same thing, anymore?