i haven’t written in a while

i think my heart is too soggy


disappointment and distress

i’ve forgotten how to express myself


life lessons.

the most important lessons i’ve learned so far in my eighteen years:

  • you are your own person. things like boundaries are boring.
  • life is too short to not pick wildflowers.
  • or to smile at strangers in cars.
  • if someone says you can’t; you might as well do it.
  • love who you love, even if it ends badly…
  • fight for what you love. but, also know when to peaceably protest for what you love.
  • never tell people how to live their lives; only supply guidance. they’ll listen to you more.
  • break the rules. don’t capitalize letters. don’t do things because it’s orthodox.
  • maybe the things you want don’t want you back. that hurts like hell.
  • rejection is unavoidable.
  • if someone leaves; no one made them,
  • and you are not responsible for that.
  • friends are soul-mates. platonic love will you make you feel alive.
  • cry tears of joy/pain, but always drive somewhere with music loud after you’re done.
  • suicide is never the answer and should never be an option.
  • get help. talk about mental illness. open up. open up. it will save you.
  • and once you think you are done with the person you are; look in the mirror once more
  • because who you are is beautiful
  • you are changeable, melding, and you are always seeing the world in a hue of color someone doesn’t know about.

watching through windows.

there is a girl who lives fifteen minutes from me

she vacations on the jersey shore

she had long hair; now it’s short

she had me; now it’s no longer us

i watch her through windows 

and, i let her live because i think she’s better off without me 

analysis of self.

I don’t recognize myself anymore,

who is this girl?

I never look her in the eyes

or tears will ruin her perfect facade

of foundation and mascara

and then everyone will know.


people say, “I love you.”

people say, “you’re not alone.”

but I feel alone

when they hug me, I feel numb

as if I was static on the television

as if I was peering in from the window


24 hours of misery

sometimes a break in between.

I’m lying because I’m so accustomed

to keeping my feelings to myself.

I hardly cry, instead I bleed

I hardly try anymore.


and, I’m scared to be happy

because I know what’s like to have it stolen

and, I’m scared of what people think

because I know what’s it like to be rejected

and, I’m not scared to die

because I’m so damn tired of fighting myself.






the girl on the inside,

the girl in the reflection of the mirror

is bloody, bruised.

the girl here smiles, says,”I’m fine.”

the girl in the mirror cries until her tears

flood this room and drown her.

the girl here swallows the pain

and the girl in the mirror screams

but I keep throwing her punches

and keep thinking she can take it.

but lately the girl in mirror…

has been punching back,

and the scars are outwards.

she’s been screaming at me,

and my ears are ringing.

the water is spilling out of her room

into my eyes,

and I’m drowning in it.





Dear Boy II

Dear Boy,

Stop looking at me like it’s my fault, and making those boys look at me like a slut.

Stop saying ‘hi’ in hallways like a pitiful fool, and intimidating me by breathing down my neck.

I’m so sick, I almost fainted five times today. My head hurts, my heart hurts, and I’m so tired.

I cry myself to sleep, if I sleep at all. Replaying–and replaying the words like a cd.

I need to run away from this place.

In the shower, I scratched myself until I bled, because the pain is unbearable inside.

If I could flee your eyes, and the terrible lies you’re telling everyone about me; maybe I could start to focus on my own problems.

Play the victim card like the coward you are.

See, if I care.

I will rise above this.

I will survive this.

I am a warrior, but I think you know that.

But you never expected to wage my war on you….









these casualties keep piling up
around us
you hardly seem to notice
but I see the pain
it is causing

you call me a coward
call me what you like
I don’t answer to your command
because I’m realizing
this isn’t my battle

shoot me down
with the gun cocked in your hands
the one you wanted to fire
for so long
the trigger feels slippery on your fingertips
the weight
of taking or leaving life

watch me bleed
as the sun rises
orange and red
what beautiful mess
we’ve created
on this battlefield

peter pan, take me away.

peter pan
take me away
I’m a lost girl
who’d rather
play pretend
and sword fight
all day
than face this
it hurts so

peter pan
you and I
are so full of dreams
and people keep
crushing them
our cynical side
is showing
more than we would like

peter pan
we cannot let them win
so keep smiling
keep running
from the shadows and pirates
take my hand
and we’ll find Neverland

peter pan
I know we don’t know each other well
we just met
but the people I do know
keep leaving
so maybe, we should just fly
to that second star

peter pan
we’re not in love
with each other
our hearts were broken
by other people
and we’re just helping
each other
cope with the pain
what a beautiful thing…