analysis of self.

I don’t recognize myself anymore,

who is this girl?

I never look her in the eyes

or tears will ruin her perfect facade

of foundation and mascara

and then everyone will know.

 

people say, “I love you.”

people say, “you’re not alone.”

but I feel alone

when they hug me, I feel numb

as if I was static on the television

as if I was peering in from the window

 

24 hours of misery

sometimes a break in between.

I’m lying because I’m so accustomed

to keeping my feelings to myself.

I hardly cry, instead I bleed

I hardly try anymore.

 

and, I’m scared to be happy

because I know what’s like to have it stolen

and, I’m scared of what people think

because I know what’s it like to be rejected

and, I’m not scared to die

because I’m so damn tired of fighting myself.

 

 

 

 

girl.

the girl on the inside,

the girl in the reflection of the mirror

is bloody, bruised.

the girl here smiles, says,”I’m fine.”

the girl in the mirror cries until her tears

flood this room and drown her.

the girl here swallows the pain

and the girl in the mirror screams

but I keep throwing her punches

and keep thinking she can take it.

but lately the girl in mirror…

has been punching back,

and the scars are outwards.

she’s been screaming at me,

and my ears are ringing.

the water is spilling out of her room

into my eyes,

and I’m drowning in it.

 

 

 

 

Dear Boy II

Dear Boy,

Stop looking at me like it’s my fault, and making those boys look at me like a slut.

Stop saying ‘hi’ in hallways like a pitiful fool, and intimidating me by breathing down my neck.

I’m so sick, I almost fainted five times today. My head hurts, my heart hurts, and I’m so tired.

I cry myself to sleep, if I sleep at all. Replaying–and replaying the words like a cd.

I need to run away from this place.

In the shower, I scratched myself until I bled, because the pain is unbearable inside.

If I could flee your eyes, and the terrible lies you’re telling everyone about me; maybe I could start to focus on my own problems.

Play the victim card like the coward you are.

See, if I care.

I will rise above this.

I will survive this.

I am a warrior, but I think you know that.

But you never expected to wage my war on you….

–Liv

 

 

 

 

 

 

mirror, mirror.

she was beautiful
to everyone
but
everyone looks into the mirror
and sees something differently

I see her beyond the mirror
I reached in through the glass
and I saw the scars
from the razor
I saw her bones
wanting to crack
because nothing can carry this weight
I saw her eyes
and how the light is faint
but still there

she pushes me out
she says beauty is hard
and untainted
I was dirt on her perfect mirror
so she wiped me away.

casualties.

these casualties keep piling up
around us
you hardly seem to notice
but I see the pain
it is causing

you call me a coward
call me what you like
I don’t answer to your command
because I’m realizing
this isn’t my battle

shoot me down
with the gun cocked in your hands
the one you wanted to fire
for so long
the trigger feels slippery on your fingertips
the weight
of taking or leaving life

watch me bleed
as the sun rises
orange and red
what beautiful mess
we’ve created
on this battlefield

peter pan, take me away.

peter pan
take me away
I’m a lost girl
who’d rather
play pretend
and sword fight
all day
than face this
reality
it hurts so

peter pan
you and I
are so full of dreams
and people keep
crushing them
our cynical side
is showing
more than we would like

peter pan
we cannot let them win
so keep smiling
keep running
from the shadows and pirates
take my hand
and we’ll find Neverland

peter pan
I know we don’t know each other well
we just met
but the people I do know
keep leaving
so maybe, we should just fly
to that second star

peter pan
we’re not in love
with each other
our hearts were broken
by other people
and we’re just helping
each other
cope with the pain
what a beautiful thing…