I clench my fists, trying to stop the shaking; trying to stop the anger.
Anger. It consumes me of late. Courses through my veins, and I want to bleed it out of myself.
I want to let it go. I want to move on. Yet–I see faces that taunt me and I break down into tears.
I look at my body, and feel tainted. I tear it apart.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs and run as long as I can. I want my lungs to burn and for my feet to bleed.
You say I’m crazy, untrustworthy, and sensitive.
You say I have too many trust issues, low-self esteem, and bad judgement.
I wish you were wrong, but you’re right…I’m all of those things.
Do you know how many people I’ve let in? Not many. This girl without makeup, that tries not to cry because she’s lonely and trying to not give into the anger that swells inside her soul.
You don’t see the same girl I see in the mirror. You hold my hand, and don’t look at my wrist slashed with scars. You hold me, and don’t see me shudder because intimacy scares me. Your naivety reminds me of the girl I used to be. Before, I remembered things and I let my past hold me down.
Yet–your naiviety frustrates me. You expect too much of me. I try to explain it to you, and you don’t grasp the concept.
Somehow, I’ll get over it, I promise myself on some abandoned road and you’re a thousand miles not even thinking about me.
But, your eyes are the only thing that are constantly are on my mind.
i am disjointed and dysfunctional
but i know how to make you smile
and even if i clawed at my skin in the shower,
and you called, wondering how i am
i’d hide my bleeding wounds,
tell a joke,
and when you laughed
i’d feel like i belonged
if just for a millisecond
pleas i handed you
you didn’t even care
enough to read
you kept the letters
drowning in anxiety
words that will condemn me
i wish i’d never talked to you
on those school steps
when you softly lied
and i believed you
because i wanted to
no one will love you
you don’t have a soul
sold it into slavery for
drugs, rock + roll
and your eyes are blackened
keep the letters
they are a past
i’d rather forget
but i hope you never forget
the soul you tried to corrupt
i am in so much pain
because i live in a world
copying the same painting
when i’m an impressionist
and they say my work
is too different
from the original
i sank into madness
i stopped finding
soft, meaningful poetry
in your footsteps
and the cracked driveways
i stopped looking
in crowded rooms
and my coffee’s reflection
i stopped asking my friends
if they were happy
they wear dark circles for makeup
and coffee stained t-shirts
i stopped living when i was sixteen
i’m looking for reason
no one can tell me where it is
or if it even exists
I want a new main character in young adult fiction.
One who doesn’t fall in love.
One who deals with bullies, and the worst bully is herself.
She tries to be everything everyone wants her to be, and crumbles more and more ever day.
You see it throughout the book. Her thought process.
She starts on top. Yet–page by page, negative connotations and anxiety, take you on the journey of her mind.
And, by the end she’s sitting in the ruins of her life.
She wonders how she got her, and she wants to blame everyone else.
It was her.