waterlogged.

salt water stains on my shirt
trickling down my cheeks
an angel with blonde hair
and a red dress
calmed me, rinsed
my face with cold water
now no one will know,
she said with a sad smile.

I live in yellow tiled floors
lemon, lavender scented
stalls with a seat for one
girls whisper their secrets here
in my kingdom of stifled sobs
sink water
fake smiles
(I imitate my blonde angel’s)

I watched a little girl cry
gloomily, I rinse her face
now no one will know
I whisper; she goes on
I was her caramel angel
but I wasn’t an angel
my halo was flushed away
my wings are saturated

sometime long ago
a blonde girl was trained
to hide her feelings
and I wonder why she cried
why I cry
why the little girls cries
and why we try to
wash it down the sink.

we weren’t angels,
so fallen, so waterlogged
we couldn’t even reassure
someone they were alright
because we weren’t alright
all along we were demons
who hid on yellow tiles floors
that smelled of bleach
(we should’ve licked it up)

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Dear Someone XXXIV

Dear Someone,

This last week has been hard.

My therapist told me I wasn’t getting better, so they’re putting me on medication. To me, this was a huge blow. They also upped my amount of therapy.

My parents are kind of freaked out. So, they’re pulling me in more.

So, I’ve been dealing panic attacks, nerves, and myself, without letting people know.

Except on Wednesday…I decided to go to church, and I was trying to hold it together in front of my friends. Really, really trying. Because, none of them knew I struggled with depression and anxiety.

So, when we went out to eat, I went and sat in a corner by myself. Cursed my therapist and medication and I was frustrated with myself. I was trying not to cry. But–a friend came over and started saying how I wasn’t acting like myself.

I literally broke down. Tears, sobbing, rocking back and forth. He really helped and I’m thankful he was there.

Then later that night over the phone another friend asked if I was alright, and I admitted it to him too.

Yeah, I’m mentally exhausted, but can’t sleep at night. Trying not to self harm (failed a couple times.) Trying to help my friends, and I feel like I haven’t adequately because I feel so terrible. Trying not to cry. Trying to keep living.

Wish me luck.