i was full of untamed anger
and i didn’t know why yet
i took my aggression out on unsuspecting
pages of my diary
boys were unattainable creatures
who gawked in the distance
i picked out movies
my mother told me not to watch
i found myself dying
drowning in seas of emotions
the hands of fate
sweeping me away in an under toe
i can never escape
boys flirted and flirted back
i used language
my mother told me was unladylike
at eighteen i find myself still in the hands of fate.
and i clench my fists and write my poetry to control the anger.
I clench my fists, trying to stop the shaking; trying to stop the anger.
Anger. It consumes me of late. Courses through my veins, and I want to bleed it out of myself.
I want to let it go. I want to move on. Yet–I see faces that taunt me and I break down into tears.
I look at my body, and feel tainted. I tear it apart.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs and run as long as I can. I want my lungs to burn and for my feet to bleed.
You say I’m crazy, untrustworthy, and sensitive.
You say I have too many trust issues, low-self esteem, and bad judgement.
I wish you were wrong, but you’re right…I’m all of those things.
Do you know how many people I’ve let in? Not many. This girl without makeup, that tries not to cry because she’s lonely and trying to not give into the anger that swells inside her soul.
You don’t see the same girl I see in the mirror. You hold my hand, and don’t look at my wrist slashed with scars. You hold me, and don’t see me shudder because intimacy scares me. Your naivety reminds me of the girl I used to be. Before, I remembered things and I let my past hold me down.
Yet–your naiviety frustrates me. You expect too much of me. I try to explain it to you, and you don’t grasp the concept.
Somehow, I’ll get over it, I promise myself on some abandoned road and you’re a thousand miles not even thinking about me.
But, your eyes are the only thing that are constantly are on my mind.