once, or now

once, I was young and lively

now, I am ancient and dead

once, I fell and scrapped my arms

now, I scrap them with the razor

once, I cried when my mother left me

now, I cry when they all leave me

once, I dreamed of paradise

now, I know paradise is lost

and, sometimes I ask myself

where are you little girl?

and she cries from a corner in my mind

so far out of reach

hidden with the color pink and dresses

with the dolls and the Narnia obsession

with the smiles and ribbons and glitter

my heart hurts to touch the things

my soul cringes and steps back

and I find myself in the pitch black world

filled with weapons and boundaries

with poems and bullies and high school angst

and suicide notes and boys who didn’t give a damn

I cannot figure out if once, or now are relevant

because sometimes, I’m breathing

but my breath is not off my lips

and my body has no feeling at all

 

 

 

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