Life is weird. The people I thought were there for me are gone. The people who I never fathomed being my friends are, and I love them.
Sometimes, I listen to a song, and I’m the girl in the song. I want to imagine I am the girl in the Bon Jovi, Can’t Stop Believing. Yet–I don’t live in a small town and I don’t love anyone from Detroit. (If I do love someone, well, it’s complicated.) Most of the time, I’m the girl in a The 1975 or The Chain-smokers song.
I’m realizing people are not who they say are. We all have secrets. We all have struggles. I’m tired of hiding mine.
You see, the last half of the year was hell. I’m not a terrible person, but I FEEL like one. The saying ignorance is bliss, isn’t wrong. I lost my ignorance on many issues this past year, and I can’t handle it. I could go into detail…eh maybe another time.
I feel like I’m always going to vomit. I am in this mentality where the world is so ridiculous, I roll my eyes at everyone who states ‘they make me feel so happy.’ or ‘isn’t life wonderful.’ God, stop being a Hallmark card greeting. One day he’s going to make you feel miserable, people have a way of doing that. Life isn’t always wonderful, no it’s sickening and sometimes unbearable.
Sorry, sorry, sorry. I didn’t want to be negative. I just am. I’m trying to figure out how I can see beyond people’s facades and how I hurt for all of them. I’m trying to figure out where I went wrong, and if normalcy is just a lie. I’m trying to find out why I lost all my drive, and why the words are all the same anymore. I’m trying to figure out why when I go to church, I feel more lost than before.
I needed someone besides my therapist to talk to. She’s nice, but we all need a someone. Someone who doesn’t care about who you are, who doesn’t know you or about your family, but is still willing to hear you out.
Love (because I can’t sign off anyway and I probably would love all of you if I knew you personally),