I don’t know how to say this. I’m actually finding it harder and harder the more I put it off. I’m lying to myself over and over again, but I KNOW what is happening. We’re not best friends anymore–I’ve been replaced, I don’t think you meant to, but you have.
We aren’t best friends anymore. You? The blonde who changed my life and has helped through so much? You, the person I promised I would always be there for? You, the person who encouraged my writing and is why who I am today?
Things just aren’t the same, I’m not the same, you’re not the same, the world isn’t the same. Everything is changing and we’re changing. I don’t when I came to this conclusion, I think it happened during the summer–when we lost contact and when I lost another love when your love life became a spider web. When you called that say asking for advice, I didn’t know what to say, for the first time ever I had run dry on advice for you.
And that was just the start…
I wrote you letters a couple times and you NEVER wrote me. You used to always write me back, and I know it is a bit paranoid, but how can you go from always replying to never replying. I know you talk to your friends, you said so in other conversations. I know I don’t have phone, so it is harder to communicate and I’m sorry about that.
You never call me your best friend anymore. We don’t talk as much. You seem to not want to eat with me at lunch. We never hang out anymore.
I know it’s my fault too. I keep everything to myself, I cage my emotions until it just weighs me down and I cry. I didn’t know how to tell you, so I wrote this, while crying.
I want to thank you though for those lovely four years though. They were some of the best years ever, filled with laughing and crying. And I love you and I hope we can still be friends. Just not best friends I guess, I’ve denounced my position. But if you ever need ANYTHING, I’m still here (where am I going to go…?) I mean, we still have classes together and I will sit with you. It’s just I needed to tell you things have changed. I needed to be honest with myself and tell myself that things have changed.
I love you girly and I’m only one call away.
I wrote that to you yesterday. But my email wasn’t working and so I had to wait. I’m glad though, because I had to tell you, so I called you up, crying and stuttering trying to tell you that I thought our friendship wasn’t working.
But you stayed calm and told me that you were happy I had told you, and that we could work through it. I was taken aback. I thought as soon as I exclaimed my feelings, that we weren’t best friends anymore, you would hang up or get angry or simply agree and tell me to go away.
I underestimated you AGAIN, because I forgot you. I really did, I forgot what our friendship meant to me in a way.
I admit, I tried hiding from you–trying to forget our friendship, trying on other friends, but it wasn’t working. No one could replace YOU.
I should have told you earlier, but I’m an idiot. So I’m sorry, I’m sorry I even doubted us and that I didn’t talk to you earlier.
So I hope we can work it out, because I really cannot lose your friendship. I love you, and you were my kindred spirit, my bosom friend. You got me when no one else did, you still understand me when no one seems to.
10th grade is hard, I’m realized that the more I’m on this part of my path, it’s harder than anything I’ve experienced, and everything has changed (I’m not sure for the better or for the worse yet…) but I know we’ll be there each other.
So let’s focus on these years. These last three years of high school. Let’s not regret and dance and shine. Let’s not fight or be confused with each other–because I already have a ton to be confused about.
I love, love, love, you,
swish, fist bump, ‘sparkle.’